What You Do To Get Them Is What It Takes To Keep Them

Okay, so you knew that you couldn’t get their attention by just being who you are. You knew they wouldn’t be impressed or intrigued enough to even give you the time of day, so you went all out. You didn’t just put your best foot forward, you totally went completely out of your comfort zone to get the attention of this person. Now you’re in a relationship with them, and you feel like they should care about you enough to accept you for who you are. Instead, you’re annoyed by the fact that they’re not happy and they’re wondering “what happened?”. It’s a little late for you to say “this is just who I am”.

Or maybe you’re on the other side of this situation and you’ve met a great person that seemed to be all the things that you ever wanted in a potential mate. The too-good-to-be-true match up. Great personality, well groomed, successful, etc. and they’re sincerely interested in establishing a relationship with you. So, of course, you let your defenses down and you eagerly pursue the situation, and after you’ve established a committed relationship, things just seemed to take a nose dive. Now you’re wondering, “what happened?!”.

You hear it all the time; “He used to buy me flowers and take me out all the time, and now he just wants to sit on the couch and watch TV.”, “She used to care about her appearance and get her hair and nails done all the time, and now she just let herself go.”, “He used to compliment me on my achievements and support me whenever he could, now he doesn’t even want to talk about what I’m interested in.”, “She used to do that thing that I liked, but now she’s always coming up with some excuse.”. Yes, we know that on the first impression, we’re going to do that little extra to try and impress the other person, but when you know that it’s something totally against your character, then that’s just outright lying and deceitful! Yes, there are simple things that would initially annoy us about a person, but after we fall in love we are able to overlook these things, but you shouldn’t try to pull the wool over ones eyes until you feel they’re in too deep.

A good measure of what it will take to make someone happy in a relationship is how much work you had to put in initially to make it work in the first place. Whether it’s positive or negative, know that whatever you did to get that person’s attention in the first place is what it will take to keep them happy. For example, if you’re into a high maintenance person, and you pursue them by buying them expensive things, taking them to nice places, etc. you’ve impressed them on a level that they enjoy, and they’re happy. After they’ve seen you in this light and let you into their life to pursue a relationship with you, then you can’t expect them to be willing to realize that you really couldn’t afford to give them all those things and that you were taking out loans and going all out of your way to put on this front for that person. Even if they’re willing to be with someone who wasn’t on that level, the betrayal that they feel will cause problems and may ultimately lead to the end of your relationship. Although your intentions meant well, deceit never trumps sincerity. This is also true for those who make their intentions clear, but still go out of their comfort zone to pursue someone. For example, if you’re into someone who cares about you (maybe you used to date, or you’re friends in some way) and you’re trying to pursue them, but you know they’re really not interested in being with you on that level, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster. That person may decide to settle with you because they don’t want to hurt you (which is wrong on their part) or you’ve deceived them enough to make them feel like they have no other options, or you’ve tried to mold and shape yourself into what they want but not who you are. Whatever you’ve done, whether it be following them around, starving yourself to get their eye on you, threatening anyone that seemed to be competition to your goal, etc. (crazy stuff like that..I’ve seen it!!), please believe that if or once you “get” that person, then you will have to continue to do all that craziness to keep their attention, and over time, you will get weary. Not only that, your relationship wouldn’t be built on sincerity, and you two will probably go through the motions until something changes, or someone calls it quit.

My advice is to just be sincere. Don’t tell her on the first date that your feet stink and you snore really loudly, but don’t go out of your comfort zone thinking that impressing her temporarily will keep her happy for a lifetime. If you’re trying to pursue a real, long lasting relationship (and NOT trying to run game for a short term fling), then keep it sincere and real from the beginning.

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